Rest for the Weary

It’s been much too long since I’ve posted.  So much has occupied my time since November!  Holy cow, that was eight months ago.  Back then, I thought my husband would be deploying in January.  I had mentioned in a previous post about the squadron that we were assigned to for his Department Head tour was a squadron full of great people, even if it meant that the deployment schedule was not ideal.  K was deployed from July 29, 2011-February 26, 2012.   And even after that, he was in and out all spring and summer of 2012 with the air wing and ship.  Finally mid-July he flew off that steel bucket, and joined the family for a week in Tahoe.  It was day-1 in Tahoe when we found out which squadron we were heading to next.  I was a mess knowing that he’d be in and out again all of the fall and then deploying in January. But before all of that started up AGAIN, we learned that he didn’t have to report until late August, so for six weeks, we had him all to ourselves.  Time to rest, so I thought.  But a January deployment was still too soon for me to really relax.  I was anxious, angry and heart-broken… but I didn’t know it.  The Lord was beginning to do some work on us.

K went to Fallon in August, missed M’s first birthday (if you recall, he missed her birth too.), and came home discouraged.  He was home for a few weeks, then back out on the ship for what seemed like FOREVER, even though it was only five weeks in October.  He came home even more discouraged.  We believed that the Lord had brought us to this squadron for a reason… or many reasons.  We just couldn’t see them all yet.  I’ve experienced this mystery time and time again, but I think this go-round was different.  The first night K was home, we sat up talking late into the night about his frustrations, his epiphanies, his hopes for his career, personalities in the squadron, etc. I left that conversation feeling very burdened for him… The Lord through Paul extolls us to bear one another’s burdens, and, to be honest, I was really feeling the load.  We went to bed, but I didn’t fall asleep right away, tossing with all kinds of thoughts.  I finally drifted off, but it wasn’t long before I shot awake, and just started crying… trying not to wake K by sobbing in the sheet, but when that proved futile, I went into our bathroom and sat on the toilet seat with hot tears streaming down my cheeks. And I prayed.  I whispered out loud to the Lord, “Why?  Why is this so hard? I know you are here to comfort me, but I am angry.  So angry. I’m angry that he has to leave so soon.  I’m angry that he’s so tired and burned out. I know you will do what’s best for us, but I just can’t see it yet.”  At that moment, I truly felt the arm of the Lord wrap me in a warm embrace and whisper back, “I’m here.” The tears of anger became tears of relief, as I sat in my Father’s arms.  And then the verses just started coming...  Rest for the weary.  Peace for the anxious heart.  Love for the lost.  He is all of these things.  My Lord is greater than my circumstances.  As I sat there, this old song came to me that we used to sing in high school youth group… the lyrics go something like this: “Rest for the weary.  Peace for the confused.  Renewal for the heart that has been used. He’s got directions for the lost.  Faith for unbelief.  He’s got every little think you need.”  So I got up at 3:45AM, grabbed my journal and Bible and went to our guest bathroom so I could turn on a light.  I sat down on the floor and scrambled through the concordance to find the addresses of all the verses that were gong through my head.  Matthew 11:28 Rest for the weary.  Isaiah 55:8-9 His ways are higher than mine.  Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose.  Psalm 62:1  My soul finds rest in God alone.  REST.  That is where my prayers landed.  My husband needed REST.  Solid rest and real renewal for his heart and soul and spirit.  Isaiah 30:15  In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength… Jer 6:16 Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.  I claimed all of these verses as true and real and applicable to our current season.  I wrote in my journal: trust and rest in Him alone.  My heart aches for my kids and for K.  I’m not excited about deployment – obviously. But I didn’t realize how angry I was… and broken-hearted.

Then the Lord started to move again... and He showed me without a doubt, that He heard me and was indeed responding to my prayers for rest.  Just about five days after K returned and I had had this hard talk with the Lord at 4AM, K came home from work with news that the deployment originally scheduled for January, was now pushed to April!  At first, if you can believe it, I was so irritated!  For two reasons: 1), I just wanted this deployment to start and be over with ASAP.  2) K’s sister is getting married in the fall, and we had just gone through an ordeal getting the right date scheduled in order to hopefully ensure K’s attendance.  With the deployment pushed back, he would surly miss it. But then I remembered, or should I say, I was reminded, that I had prayed for rest.  And we were now getting three months of it!  My attitude instantly changed, after this humbling realization.  So, I thought, if He can move deployment, he can also certainly shorten it.  And that’s what I started praying for: a shorter deployment.  A week or so later… you guessed it… a shortened deployment was announced.   Unheard of.  Now I know, and you know, that dates in the military are written in Jell-O; however, after all of this, I am holding on to the possibility that it might actually happen the way it’s scheduled now.  K might actually still make it to his only sister’s wedding.  

Christmas was fabulous at home with our kids.  January saw a fun trip up the PCH to Monterey, where we witnessed M’s first steps!  And the kids just LOVED the aquarium.  K did another boat det in February… missed Valentine’s Day again.  Then K’s sister and fiancé J came to visit, and we celebrated their engagement and upcoming nuptials.  My parents joined us for the March birthday whirlwind, when C turned 5, E turned 3 and K turned 29 again all in a span of 48 hours!  Then we had about two weeks as a family.  M started talking a little more, and K had a chance to do a little presentation as a Community Helper at C & E’s preschool with his flight gear!  Next thing I know, I’m doing last minute laundry and K is packing up his sea bags.  Even though the time went quickly, K did experience REST and renewal, thanks to the only One who can provide true rest and peace.  K & I both agreed that this shifting of deployment was certainly God’s provision for our family, and that this deployment was a season to be consecrated to the Lord, knowing that He has work to do in us to prepare us for His service.  We committed to prayer for our future in the Navy and to our kids as they grow in the Lord.

So, here we are, two months into deployment.  And our Rest has been faithful to us.  As always. 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

Can you relate to my feelings of anger or heart-brokenness?  Has the Lord met you in that place?  Maybe you’ve never thought to seek your Heavenly Father, who cares for you and always gives you what’s best… if you are experiencing what I did, would you consider His help?  All you have to do is ask.  He will meet you, no matter your state of heart or mind.  He can handle it.

Support of the Home Front: Follow-Up

So, you all came through with great ideas!!  I mean, really great.  There are a few that I definitely want to employ that I never would have thought of without your input.  And I’m sure there are even more ideas out there. Here are the ones that you supplied on Facebook.  I posted in a few places, so I’m combining all the information here.  Thanks again for brainstorming with me!

For churches and volunteer groups:

1.     Adopt-a-Military Family:  This program can be whatever you want it to be, but basically, a non-military family “adopts” a military family to help with whatever needs that family might have.  You’ll need a POC (point of contact), advertisement/communication and some ROE (rules of engagement, come on, you knew that one!), so that everyone involved knows what to expect. The non-military family is the go-to for babysitting, lawn mowing, whatever.  It can be just during deployments, which is fine, or for as long as you’re at your duty station… wouldn’t it be great to have a local family that you can connect with for your whole tour?  Fun.

2.     Groups of local volunteers who serve once a month on base or off base military neighborhoods (ex. Lincoln Military Housing):  This idea was new to me, and I think it’s great.  So, for example, if a group wants to help with yard care one day during the month, they could contact a point person on the base or in the neighborhood to get out the date and time to folks, and have them sign up with their address.  Preference, of course, for the deployed service members families.  Maybe the next month is washing cars… pick your theme.  It could even be just random task day.  Some times you just need that extra hand to scrub that crayon off the wall, because you’ve been looking at it for weeks, but forget about it every time you leave the room.  The ideas are endless, and can be combined with any listed below.

3.     Parent’s Night Out:  Find a volunteer with a large house or an available church Sunday school room, and take on some kids so that single parent can have a night out!  This is best for elementary aged kids with later bedtimes.

4.     List of Babysitters: Churches or even FFSC could help by providing a list of trusted sitters.  I know Sittercity.com is free to military families, but for some reason, I haven’t opted to use that yet.  I prefer to get my sitters via word-of-mouth from a trusted friend… so for me a list of teens or young adults, heck even adults, or grandmas for that matter, from church would be awesome.

5.     List of Mother’s Helpers:  Same idea as above, but this is the unpaid volunteer version.  A list of people that would help out families while mom or dad is at home (cooking dinner, taking a shower, cleaning up the mess that is a house with three small kids, etc…)  This could possibly count toward the quota for community service hours that some high schools require.

So here are some ideas for what individuals can actually do to help as volunteer or adoptive family.

1.  Evening Help: Bed time routine (baths, pjs, brushing teeth, reading books, etc) and/or cleaning up dinner dishes/kitchen)

2.  Morning Help: Morning routine (dressed, fed and out the door for school and/or cleaning up breakfast dishes/kitchen)

3.   Meals Delivered: Breakfast or dinner would be a great help.  For me, dinner is the hardest. (Great website: www.takethemameal.com)

4.  Babysitting/Mother’s Helper: The key here is regularity, whether paid or volunteer, if I leave or stay, I want to be able to count on having a certain time every week that I know I will have help. (Thanks AH!)

5.  Yard Care: Mowing, weeding, mulching, planting… I would love to do all of these.  My mom has a green thumb, and I’ve always wanted to see if she passed it on to me.  I know gardening would be a stress reliever but… K says I kill plants.  I just have a little trouble remembering to water them with all the other little people wanting my attention.  I can’t love the yard too.  Good thing we don’t have a pet.

6.  Car Cleaning: Washing and/or vacuuming… You know how necessary this is with little ones.  Gross.

7.  House Cleaning: Maybe just the kitchen or a bathroom or the floors, or that gross refrigerator smell that you can't seem to find!  Even take up a collection for a house cleaning service.  What a treat!

8.  Carpool: To or from an activity or school… Putting everyone in car seats is a pain… how nice it would be to just send my little guy out the door with a friend’s mom or just have him show up at the door for lunch at noon.  I might be drooling over this one.

9.  Run Small Errands (post office, returns, etc..):  Again, it’s so not worth it to have to get multiple kids in and out of car seats just to return that one item that you knew you didn’t need, but bought it anyway. (I’ve never experienced buyer’s remorse. No, never.)  Or, maybe you just need milk and eggs… and wine and chocolate...

10.  Evening Adult Conversation: Ahhh… kids are in bed, you’re ready to watch your show on Netflix, you’ve got your wine and chocolate… and no one to talk to.  Bummer.  Once a week would be enough for me!

11.   Fold Laundry: Just one basket!  Please?

12.  Take Out the Trash: Awe. Some.  You could even collect it all from inside and take the cans to the street!  Diaper trash and all.  Just one extra task that I dislike doing, that K always takes care of when he’s home.  When I take it out while he’s gone, I always think of him I miss him even more.

13.  Crafts: Organize and buy supplies for kids to do at home, and maybe actually come over and do the craft with them!

14.  Baby-sitting Co-op: This can be as lax or strict as you desire, but basically, moms take turns watching the kids while the other moms go do whatever for a few hours.  We had about six moms in our group in Norfolk, VA.  We rotated houses, and the host mom stayed along with one other mom to watch about seven or eight kids.  We started at one year old, so that no one was trying to feed infants while trying to pay attention to the toddlers.  There is a site called www.babysitterexchange.com that has a free online organization service.  It's even searchable for groups by zip code.

15.  Dinner Swap: Parents take turns hosting dinner/playdate… this can be fun and crazy sometimes!

16.  Tutoring/Homework Help:  Helping kids with homework while the parent is tending to other littler children or making dinner would be amazing.  (Or you could help with little ones, while the parent helps with schoolwork.)

17.   Man Time:  Asking a trusted male friend to help “fill in” for Dad (or vice versa).  Just a simple conversation where the kids feel heard, ten minutes spent throwing a ball with them or teaching them to ride their bikes, any kind of quality interaction with a caring man is invaluable.  Maybe you could set up play dates with a trusted male family friend who is tasked with focusing his time/energy specifically towards the military children.  (This is pretty much verbatim from a close friend of mine.  She did this, and it was just what her kids needed.  Thanks WC!)

I think the last one is my favorite.  I had my dad and father-in-law here a lot during the last deployment, and that was great for my kids.  They threw the ball around, built train tracks, went swimming, wrestled, read books, built puzzles… just what the kids needed.  This time around, they won’t be here as often, and it’s a longer deployment, so looks like I’m going to have to find a friend!

I hope this helps you find some relief during deployment.  Maybe you can find a church, a neighbor, or a family that wants to support military families, but just doesn’t know how to connect or what is needed.  Take these ideas and run with them.  Remember that you are allowed to ask for help… even if it’s just one-on-one with a friend.  Tell them your needs, and let them serve you.  Take care of yourself too.  We military spouses tend to give of ourselves to everyone else, and forget about our own needs.  It’s important that you don’t lose your mind.  Really, your kids will thank you.

Support on the Home Front

So I was chatting with a few friends at our Bible study about our church and its desire to support military families.  We love that the congregation and the staff are willing to help with whatever needs arise.  But what does that support look like?  What should it look like? What do military families left to hold down the home front want it to look like?   I am all for supporting the troops… in any way, shape or form. Sending toiletries in care packages is a definite need for many of our men and women out there.  But for those who have families back home, would it not be an even a greater support knowing that servant-hearted people in the area are taking care of your family?  I know K has told me more than once that he can rest easy and sleep at night on the ship, knowing that I have people to help me to remain sane.

Our church has an adopt-a-military family program.  Love this idea.  My adoptive family helped me tremendously when K was deployed earlier this year.  I gave birth to our third, M, while K was on an aircraft carrier, and so I had lots of family here to help.  However, I was alone for the last six weeks of the deployment, so I called my church for help.  Enter: K & T, a mother and daughter team, who helped with bedtime almost every night of the week.  I cannot tell you how grateful I was to have another adult to wrangle my pre-schooler and toddler into pajamas, while I nursed the baby and put her to bed.  They would alternate nights and stay for about 90 minutes, helping with the bedtime routine, and while I was finishing putting the older two down, K was washing my pots and pans and loading the dishwasher.  This was exactly what I needed.  Once all three were down, I could actually sit down too.  What an awesome blessing.

We’ve been talking about faith in action, also known as obedience, in our Bible study.  If our church and its members want to support military families, then it’s this kind of action—stepping out of your comfortable routine to help another in need—that is greatly needed.  I had friends offer to have us over for dinner while K was gone, and while it was a welcomed treat to let someone else cook, it was really more stressful for me to have to gather my three kids, ages 3 years old and under, and get them to someone’s house… and try to get them to sit and eat… and play referee… and nurse a baby… you get my drift.  So, my point is to get us thinking about what would really be a help to military families when the spouse is deployed. 

But before I continue, let me also interject that it is HARD for most military wives to ask for help.  We have been sort of unconsciously indoctrinated into the mindset that we have to have it all together.  That this is the life WE chose, so we have to suck it up, and deal with it.  That we can’t ask for help, because we’re supposed to be strong and independent for our husbands and families.  These are lies.  LIES, I tell you.  Come, on, ladies out there, you know that these thoughts have crossed your mind a time or two.  Don’t believe it.  We are allowed to ask for help.  There are neighbors, family, friends, and church members out there just waiting to love on you.  One of my friends reminded us during this conversation at Bible study that we steal some one else’s opportunity to serve with their gifts when we don’t ask for help.  There are season in your life to serve and seasons when you need to be served.  That’s just how life is, and it’s how the Christian church was designed by God to operate.  And I want to confess, that when I found out that I was pregnant with M, I felt so guilty about asking for help.  I felt like I was at fault for getting pregnant at that time… because I knew when K was deploying!  (Clearly, the fault was not mine alone…) but I just heard the Accuser (that’s Satan) saying, “How could you let this happen now?”  Well clearly, this was and is just about the greatest blessing a mom could have asked for.  M is irreplaceable, of course, and she was just what God had in mind for our family… on so many many levels.  So just don’t believe the lies, OK?  OK.

So, back to some practical ideas on what churches or individuals or families can do to support military families while a service member is deployed.  Here are some of my ideas.  I want you to think of some yourself, especially military spouses… comment here or on Facebook.  But I want you to think outside the box… if you could customize your support, what EXACTLY would you need?  Be specific.  Don’t feel bad about putting someone out… there actually are people out there who can and want to help you.  And remember, if no one knows your needs, how can those needs be met?  Even if you are not a military spouse, please contribute your ideas too!  In what capacity is the Lord calling you to serve?  We all need to be obedient to ask or to help...

Here are some of mine to get you started:

1.  Bed time help from 6:00-7:30pm

2.  1-2x/week dinner delivered

3.  Afternoon babysitting, so mom can have some “me” time.

4.  Yard care: mowing/weeding/mulching

5.  Car washed/vacuumed

6.  House cleaning (maybe just the kitchen or a bathroom or the floors!)

7.  Carpool to or from an activity or school

Every family has different circumstances, daily schedules, routines, kids ages, etc.  so, let’s hear your ideas… Give me some feedback to take to the masses.  I couldn’t have possibly exhausted them all.  And just so you know, my plan is to get back with the ladies with whom I started this conversation to see how we can meet the needs of military families that go to our church and as a ministry to those that don’t.  Thanks friends!

Mommy Zen

(Written April 28 - forgot to post!)

So Kris has been out of town for the last two days.  I think this is the first time since his return from deployment in February that I’ve been home alone with the kids.  I can’t believe how in just six short weeks I can lose all of my single-parenting skills.  I mean all of them.  I did not prepare myself or my day well to do this alone again.  I should check the lunar calendar, maybe it’s a full moon.  That’s the only other reasonable explanation I can think of for the blatant disregard of my authority that my children have been displaying these last 48 hours.

M wouldn’t nurse or eat solids at lunch.  She’s been refusing solids for the past three days… nursing fine, but swatting at the spoon and shaking her head.  She’s seven months old and has an opinion already.  I don’t know if C’s deaf or is just that selective with his hearing… everything I ask of him is either ignored or rebutted in some fashion.  Don’t argue with me!  You are four!  You just turned four!  Look at me, son!  Ahhh!  (I didn’t say any of that to him, except the “look at me” part.) Then there is my two-year-old, E, who is precious and sweet one moment, but turns on a dime into either a mischievous imp or a nails-on-a-chalkboard whiner.  Throughout the day, I find that my jaw is clenched so hard, that I need to crowbar to release it. 

                                                                                    

And then…

It’s bath time.  C and E went up the stairs ahead of me.  I turned the corner behind them to take M to her room for a new diaper and jammies.  While I changed her I reminded myself that this parenting thing is supposed to be fun, that I want to enjoy my babies, and that I need to unlock my jaw… again.  So, before I fed M and put her down, I went to see what the two crazies were up to.  I also wanted to let them know I would be in M’s room and to play quietly until bath time.  What I came upon was exactly what I needed to see to calm me, release my furrowed brow and bring back my smile… two naked kids in an empty bath tub, playing nicely with their bath toys, waiting for water.  And it even gets better.  I asked if they needed to go potty, and C said, “We already did!”  We already did?  Wha?? Sure enough, pee in both the big and little potties.  My potty-training E had zero accidents today, and went by herself before their bath. 

Every mom needs moments of zen like this.  After a rough day, that was mostly due to my missing single-parenting skills, this scene was a gift.  Hmmm… what other gifts did I receive today?  I know there have to be more that I’ve overlooked due to the condition of my jaw…  E gave M kisses all day long (and only tried to pick her up once.) C literally rolled right over M’s head and made her cry, but later he laid on the floor with her and she laughed and giggled with delight at his attention.  The older two devoured their dinner and both ate a big spoonful of peas.  That was huge.  Still working on the “eat your veggies” mantra.  And finally, after the bath tub delight, I brought little M back to her room to nurse and she went right to sleep.  

So, I guess, it really wasn’t a bad a day afterall. 

Touché, little ones.  Touché.