It’s been much too long since I’ve posted. So much has occupied my time since
November! Holy cow, that was eight
months ago. Back then, I thought my
husband would be deploying in January. I
had mentioned in a previous post about the squadron that we were assigned to
for his Department Head tour was a squadron full of great people, even if it
meant that the deployment schedule was not ideal. K was deployed from July 29, 2011-February
26, 2012. And even after that, he was
in and out all spring and summer of 2012 with the air wing and ship. Finally mid-July he flew off that steel
bucket, and joined the family for a week in Tahoe. It was day-1 in Tahoe when we found out which
squadron we were heading to next. I was
a mess knowing that he’d be in and out again all of the fall and then deploying
in January. But before all of that started up AGAIN, we learned that he didn’t
have to report until late August, so for six weeks, we had him all to
ourselves. Time to rest, so I thought. But
a January deployment was still too soon for me to really relax. I was anxious, angry and heart-broken… but I
didn’t know it. The Lord was
beginning to do some work on us.
K went to Fallon in August, missed M’s first birthday (if
you recall, he missed her birth too.), and came home discouraged. He was home for a few weeks, then back out on
the ship for what seemed like FOREVER, even though it was only five weeks in
October. He came home even more
discouraged. We believed that the Lord had brought us to
this squadron for a reason… or many reasons.
We just couldn’t see them all yet.
I’ve experienced this mystery time and time again, but I think this go-round was different. The first
night K was home, we sat up talking late into the night about his frustrations,
his epiphanies, his hopes for his career, personalities in the squadron, etc. I
left that conversation feeling very burdened for him… The Lord through Paul
extolls us to bear one another’s burdens, and, to be honest, I was really
feeling the load. We went to bed, but I
didn’t fall asleep right away, tossing with all kinds of thoughts. I finally drifted off, but it wasn’t long
before I shot awake, and just started crying… trying not to wake K by sobbing
in the sheet, but when that proved futile, I went into our bathroom and sat on
the toilet seat with hot tears streaming down my cheeks. And I prayed. I whispered out loud to the Lord, “Why? Why is this so hard? I know you are here to
comfort me, but I am angry. So angry.
I’m angry that he has to leave so soon.
I’m angry that he’s so tired and burned out. I know you will do what’s
best for us, but I just can’t see it yet.”
At that moment, I truly felt the arm of the Lord wrap me in a warm
embrace and whisper back, “I’m here.” The tears of anger became tears of
relief, as I sat in my Father’s arms. And
then the verses just started coming... Rest for the weary. Peace for the anxious heart. Love for the lost. He is all of these things. My Lord is greater than my circumstances. As I sat there, this old song came to me that
we used to sing in high school youth group… the lyrics go something like this:
“Rest for the weary. Peace for the
confused. Renewal for the heart that has
been used. He’s got directions for the lost.
Faith for unbelief. He’s got
every little think you need.” So I got
up at 3:45AM, grabbed my journal and Bible and went to our guest bathroom so I
could turn on a light. I sat down on the
floor and scrambled through the concordance to find the addresses of all the verses
that were gong through my head. Matthew
11:28 Rest for the weary. Isaiah 55:8-9
His ways are higher than mine. Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love the
Lord and are called according to his purpose.
Psalm 62:1 My soul finds rest in
God alone. REST. That is where my prayers landed. My
husband needed REST. Solid rest and real
renewal for his heart and soul and spirit.
Isaiah 30:15 In repentance and
rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength… Jer 6:16 Stand
at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way
is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. I claimed all of these verses as true and
real and applicable to our current season.
I wrote in my journal: trust and rest in Him alone. My heart aches for my kids and for K. I’m not excited about deployment – obviously.
But I didn’t realize how angry I was… and broken-hearted.
Then the Lord started to move again... and He showed me without
a doubt, that He heard me and was indeed responding to my prayers for rest. Just about five days after K returned and I
had had this hard talk with the Lord at 4AM, K came home from work with news
that the deployment originally scheduled for January, was now pushed to
April! At first, if you can believe it,
I was so irritated! For two reasons: 1),
I just wanted this deployment to start and be over with ASAP. 2) K’s sister is getting married in the fall,
and we had just gone through an ordeal getting the right date scheduled in
order to hopefully ensure K’s attendance. With the deployment pushed back, he would
surly miss it. But then I remembered, or should I say, I was reminded, that I had prayed for rest. And we were now getting three months of it! My attitude instantly changed, after this
humbling realization. So, I thought, if
He can move deployment, he can also certainly shorten it. And that’s what I started praying for: a
shorter deployment. A week or so later…
you guessed it… a shortened deployment was announced. Unheard of.
Now I know, and you know, that dates in the military are written in
Jell-O; however, after all of this, I am holding on to the possibility that it
might actually happen the way it’s scheduled now. K might actually still make it to his only
sister’s wedding.
Christmas was fabulous at home with our kids. January saw a fun trip up the PCH to Monterey,
where we witnessed M’s first steps! And
the kids just LOVED the aquarium. K did
another boat det in February… missed Valentine’s Day again. Then K’s sister and fiancé J came to visit,
and we celebrated their engagement and upcoming nuptials. My parents joined us for the March birthday
whirlwind, when C turned 5, E turned 3 and K turned 29 again all in a span of
48 hours! Then we had about two weeks as
a family. M started talking a little
more, and K had a chance to do a little presentation as a Community Helper at C
& E’s preschool with his flight gear!
Next thing I know, I’m doing last minute laundry and K is packing up his
sea bags. Even though the time went quickly, K did experience REST and renewal,
thanks to the only One who can provide true rest and peace. K & I both agreed that this shifting
of deployment was certainly God’s provision for our family, and that this
deployment was a season to be consecrated to the Lord, knowing that He has work
to do in us to prepare us for His service.
We committed to prayer for our future in the Navy and to our kids as
they grow in the Lord.
So, here we are, two months into deployment. And
our Rest has been faithful to us. As
always.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will
give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and
learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for
your souls. For my yoke is easy and my
burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
Can you relate to my feelings of anger or
heart-brokenness? Has the Lord met you
in that place? Maybe you’ve never
thought to seek your Heavenly Father, who cares for you and always gives you
what’s best… if you are experiencing what I did, would you consider His help? All you have to do is ask. He will meet you, no matter your state of
heart or mind. He can handle it.
